We’re truly blessed to live in a time where cultural boundaries are dissipating and are instead slowly melding together. Thanks to advancements in global connectivity, we as a species are more aware of the diverse cultures in our world than we’ve ever been before.

As a result, people are starting to bridge the divide between nations and lifestyles to collaborate, do business together, and yes, even fall in love. If you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and they’re from another culture, that’s great! Your love is a living testament to the fact that human beings can overcome their differences and live in harmony with each other.

That being said, no matter how understanding and accepting you are, multicultural marriages may pose some unique challenges that you may not have anticipated. These may be minor road bumps in your journey or they could evolve into serious obstacles. Today, we’ll discuss some common causes for concern in multicultural marriages and provide helpful tips you can use to keep your marriage happy and healthy.

A Lack of Understanding

First and foremost, if you’re not aware of some of the cultural differences you may encounter, you can’t hope to address them. You may be doing something that clashes with your partner’s cultural norms without even being aware of it. This can quickly escalate into a recurring point of tension if you don’t take steps to address it now.

Learn as Much as You Can About Your Partner’s Background and Don’t Stop Learning

Whether your big day is still months away or you’ve already said, “I do,” take every opportunity you can to learn more about your partner’s heritage. By understanding the social norms, religious dogma, or cultural traditions that your spouse was raised to uphold, you can both gain a better understanding of their point of view and predict potential points of friction.

For example – Japan is still very much a patriarchal society. Culturally, once a Japanese woman gets married, she quits her career to focus on keeping up the home and raising children. The man, meanwhile, is expected to work, provide for the family, and make the major decisions regarding the family’s future. If your husband is of Japanese descent, he may have certain expectations of you as to what role you should play in the marriage.

This being said, this doesn’t mean you have to agree and conform to every cultural view that your spouse holds. However, being aware of them will help you navigate points of tension. You and your partner can have discussions about which cultural norms to keep that make the most sense for your relationship.

A Lack of Integration

Speaking of tension, as you learn more about your partner’s background and worldview, it’s important that you each try to integrate as much of each other’s traditions as possible. Failure to do so can lead to resentment and feeling like there’s a lack of respect for each other’s views

A prime example is in households that observe different religious practices. Since 2010 this has occurred in more than one-third of all American marriages. For instance, it’s not unusual at all for one partner to be religious and the other to be an atheist or agnostic. The key is to try to respect your spouse’s views while maintaining your own.

Give a Little to Gain a Lot

Whatever differences you have, you need to have an in-depth conversation with your partner about how you can each integrate a little of each other’s world into your married life. In the above example, you might choose to attend services with your spouse, but avoid any binding traditions or ceremonies that obligate you to commit to their religion. You could go to a Catholic service but forego communion, as an example. Where and when you can, show your partner the respect and attention they deserve by integrating their customs into your married life.

A Lack of Clear Boundaries

This leads perfectly into my next point. Just because you show respect for and include some of your spouse’s customs in your life doesn’t mean you have to adopt them all. However, if you’re both not clear about where you draw the line, this can have some serious consequences later.

Establish Your Boundaries Now

Whatever you are and are not comfortable doing, you should lay that out with your partner immediately if you haven’t already done so. Additionally, you should establish what values you each will share with your children if you plan to have any. If you as parents are saying completely different things to your children, you’ll not only create a point of dissent in the marriage, but you can also cause confusion in your children.

A Lack of Self-Awareness

By far the most damaging thing you can do to your marriage is to keep silent about where you stand. If you two are fighting, it at least shows that you care enough about the marriage to try and make it work. If one or both of you is feeling miserable, but not voicing it, your marriage may silently erode to the point that it may be beyond redemption.

Knowing the Signs and Preparing to Address Them

Silent problems in marriages are especially dangerous because they can destroy your bonds of love. You may not even be aware of it. Additionally, the signs of a marriage that’s dying quietly aren’t as easy to spot as those filled with screaming matches. In particular, you need to watch out for:

• One or both partners actively try to avoid each other
• Lack of intimacy between you two
• You either lie or keep the whole truth from each other
• Your conversations are limited to small talk or you don’t talk at all

These signs are prevalent in all marriages that are having issues, and multicultural marriages are not immune. Different cultures handle marital stresses differently. That’s why it’s so important that you educate yourself about your spouse’s background and watch for these warning signs.

If you notice one or more of these signs, you should have a thorough discussion with your partner about each other’s feelings. Use a marriage counselor for relationship advice to facilitate that discussion if you feel the need. If you have tried and failed repeatedly to address the issues in your marriage but things have not improved, then you may come to the conclusion you’re not meant to be together. If that happens, explore your options beforehand so that the separation is less painful for you and your family.

It’s Not About Who You Were Apart but Who You Are Together

A multicultural marriage, like all marriages, can be a complicated and difficult mix of emotions and mixed signals. But it doesn’t mean they can’t work out. By exploring both your differences and common ground together, you deepen the bond you both share and learn to rely on each other more. Your cultural differences don’t have to be a dividing line between you. They can be a melting pot where you build the foundation for a life filled with love and happiness.

By Sarah Saker