How to Survive Political Talk at Thanksgiving and the Holidays

By John Sarrouf, Essential Partners, for Bicultural Mama

As families and friends join together for Thanksgiving and the holidays, it can be a joyous time — or not. As we’re just coming off a polarizing Presidential election, this year may prove especially contentious when it comes to political talk. In many households, there’s a good chance that not everyone will agree on politics. And when the topic comes up, sparks may fly.

Some people may request, “Let’s not talk politics.” But others may ignore this. Is it possible for a constructive conversation to take place? John Sarrouf from Essential Partners provides tips on how to survive political talk at Thanksgiving and during the holidays.

How do I navigate the conversation when someone brings up politics? 

It’s definitely going to come up, so the best thing you can do is to come prepared.

Before joining your gathering, take two minutes to reflect on a time when you were able to remain calm in the face of frustration, anger, or hurt. I find that it helps to write it down. Then ask yourself, what internal resources did you draw upon? How can you tap into those resources again?

Most of the time we’re reacting in the moment. When we feel threatened or vulnerable, our bodies have a fight, flight, or freeze reaction, which triggers a negative cycle of communication. Reflecting on another time you were able to remain calm will help ground your mind and body.

You’ll be more resilient and more intentional when divisive politics enters the conversation.  I am best when I stay curious and ask questions when differences arise. “Tell me why that is important to you?” has saved many difficult conversations from going off the rails in my house.

What if everyone disagrees with my views?

I would recommend the Essential Partners exercise called Moments of Dissent which helps people answer this exact question. It’s designed for a more structured setting, like a classroom, than for the Thanksgiving table. However, it can still help people think about what they need to be vulnerable and say the thing that feels important to say when everyone else disagrees with you.

If you’re an outlier in the group, it can be hard to feel heard and understood. It can be scary to speak about what is important to you.  Arguing a political point rarely helps, but sharing a story about how you came to your belief might.

At Essential Partners, we disrupt cycles of polarization by asking for an experience rather than an opinion. If you share the foundations of your beliefs and ask others to share the stories behind theirs, you might see that you have more in common than you thought.  If we each share a personal story rather than an argument or set of facts, it opens up the conversation. It’s no longer me versus them, or red versus blue. Now the conversation turns to our experiences and the values we hold, which is always richer and more human than a partisan fight.

You probably—almost certainly—will not agree at the end. One conversation doesn’t usually change minds. But you can be understood and heard by the people you care about and leave with a deeper respect for one another.

What if there are children at the table and you don’t want them to hear divisive negative language?

For many young people, family conversations are the primary exposure to politics, so what you say is going to be formative.  It’s a great opportunity to model a better way of talking to one another than what they might see on TV or in other places.  It is a way for them to see that people can disagree and still love one another especially when it comes to political talk.  I think we must be careful not to demonize or dehumanize any group.

It’s also important for kids to hear us hash out some ground rules of a conversation – to find a way to speak fairly and respectfully to one another.  So before you dig into politics, it’s important to name that you’d like to have this conversation in a certain way—a new, better way—and that you think some parameters might help. Think of them as guardrails.

Some common ground rules, or communication agreements, that we use at Essential Partners are:

• I will only speak on my own behalf, about my own experiences and values
• I will try not to interrupt the other person / other people
• I will not use derogatory language in regards to any group of people

These will only work as far as people will stick to them. But if you can all agree to a set of ground rules, at least you can refer back to them when someone makes a misstep during political talk. And we all do sometimes.

People see and hear dysfunctional discourse everywhere—on TV, on the radio, on debate stages. It’s tough to shake that influence. But democracy begins at the dinner table. We have to try.

About Essential Partners

Founded in 1989, Essential Partners is a nonprofit that equips people to live and work better together in community by building trust and understanding across differences. Across the globe and in every state, Essential Partners has empowered people to build a world of thriving communities strengthened by difference, connected by trust.